When I Don’t Feel Him

The Lord is faithful.

He is faithful even when I don’t feel Him.

This past Wednesday was a hard day for me. That morning, I was helping lead worship at morning prayer and let me tell you that the struggle was too real. I felt like the Lord wasn’t near, like the Lord was withholding His presence from me. I didn’t understand it. It felt so strange to help lead people in worship in this place. I questioned why I was even doing it. At some point, I talked about it with my friend, E, and he understood where I was coming from. He encouraged me, prayed for me, and told me that sometimes when you’re leading worship in that place, it’s a sacrifice of praise because we have to die to our emotions. What a good WORD, especially for me because one of my struggles is that my emotions take the lead sometimes and I am prone to believing the enemy’s lies. It was a perfect reminder that God is always worthy of praise!

That night, however, was still hard. I did not really understand why the Lord seemed so far off when I have been more consistent in spending time with Him than I’ve been in the past. I knew in my heart that if I seek Him, I’d find Him. But, for some reason, it seemed like He was no where to be found. I prayed and waited and prayed and waited until eventually I just went to bed a bit disappointed. All I wanted was to be and feel close to Jesus but I felt no peace, no nothing.

During morning prayer the next day, I really wasn’t feeling it. It was a struggleto even focus. Toward the end of morning prayer, the worship pastor, E, spoke up about disappointment and called out everyone who was struggling with it to raise their hands and receive prayer. This was one of the few times in life where I immediately responded without any hesitation. In my heart, I knew I had disappointment towards the Lord.

During this time, we were singing a song called “King of My Heart”. (If you haven’t heard this song, I’ll add the best version I know of to the end of this post. You’re welcome.) Some of the lyrics are, “You are good, good, ooh. You’re never gonna let me down”. The worship pastor told us to just sing that out before people started to pray for us. Honestly, it was hard for me to sing that He was good at first because my heart was full of disappointment, but I also knew that He is always worthy of praise no matter how I feel. After that, people started to pray for all of us who were huddled in the middle.

There was a familiar voice that I heard singing over me while they prayed. Remember those lyrics I shared earlier? They were singing those words over me… except they sang, “You are good to Acamy. You are good to her. You’re never going to let her down”. I was just DONE, tears flowed and everything. I felt the Lord encouraging me and reminding me that even when I don’t feel Him, He hasn’t let me down. He never will! And with that, He answered my prayer from the night before. Yes, LORD.

Just when I thought I couldn’t be any more broken, the worship pastor told those with disappointment to repent of believing the enemy’s lies. What?! That was hard. In that moment, I realized just how serious this disappointment that had taken root in my heart was. I was disappointed because I believed the lie that He wasn’t near anymore. It was clouding my view of the Lord and it was clouding my view of the way the Lord sees me. I knew in my mind that God is always faithful and works everything out for the good of those who love Him, but somehow my heart lost sight of it.

I’m learning to declare truth over my heart in those moments when my emotions don’t match up to what is true and when the enemy tries to fill my mind with lies. Perhaps next time when I don’t feel Him near, I’ll go to His Word and see exactly what He says about how near He is and speak it over my discouraged heart until I believe it. Yeah, that sounds good to me.

Anyway, I share this as a reminder that even when you don’t feel Him near, He is faithful still. He sees you. He hears you. He knows you. He loves you. He is more near than you’ll ever know or understand on this side of eternity.

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